Well guys, it’s my one year surgiversary or re-birth day, whatever you want to call it. At this time last year I was 266 pounds and today I’m 155. That’s 111 pounds gone!
I saw my doctor this past Tuesday (my gawd he’s so cute!!) for my one-year post-op visit and everything is going swimmingly.
The only part I’m not able to ignore, and will take me a long time to deal with, are the psychological issues. I’m not going to lie and pretend that everything is perfect in my life. I don’t want to give anyone the wrong impression. Sure, the surgery cured my diabetes, high blood pressure, irregular period, plantar fasciitis and my general overall feeling like crap, but the stuff going on inside my head is the hardest thing to fix.
Everyone will tell me to be happy that I have my health, everyone sees the outward appearance, but inside I really feel icky. Not icky in my stomach, not icky in my heart, but icky in my head.
When will the fat girl get out of my head?
I still feel like I don’t belong. I still get nervous sitting down on a plastic chair. I still get nervous when people touch me. Especially most of all, I still have a hard time going shopping.
If I try on something and it fits a little snug, my brain automatically goes to why are you shopping in this skinny person store, fatty?
I have to constantly remind myself that just because one item doesn’t fit, means it was cut differently and just not made for my body. I have to stop myself from jumping to the conclusion that I’m too fat to fit the “normal” mold. I have to stop myself before those thoughts then jump to “everyone hates you because you’re fat!”
It’s very difficult to describe my feelings about myself in such a small amount of space. I’ve just been very depressed lately.
Life isn’t always hunky-dunky after weight loss. Especially if you don’t know what it’s like to be thin and “normal.” I can’t tell if people are genuinely happy for me or if they’re secretly still calling me fat.
Sorry to be so blunt about things. I just wanted everyone to see that it’s not easy all the time and not to expect everything to be happy all the time after weight loss. And it’s a misnomer that you’re going to miss your old best friend (food). I don’t miss food at all because I still eat a lot of the great stuff I used to (like sushi!!) and frozen yogurt (low fat, low sugar of course!). I’m just depressed because I can’t kick that fat girl to the curb. The minute my confidence goes up, she shows up to be the Debbie Downer to the party.
Please tell me she eventually moves out? She’s like a bad roommate who eats the last of your favorite chocolates that you’ve been saving, and then uses your razor to shave her pits.