Feeling Bad About Myself… Only Not

The holidays are finally somewhat over. It’s been a rocky road lately, with finishing another semester at school, job hunting, etc.

Stats: RnY Gastric Bypass Surgery Date: 4/27/2011, Highest Weight: 283, Day of Surgery Weight: 266, Current Weight: 133.

All dolled up (I rarely get to wear makeup anymore)

An old co-worker had a Christmas party, and invited me and The Man. I hadn’t seen her in a few months, plus it was a chance to get all dressed up pretty, and go out for the evening. She’d invited a few other old co-workers, and I was excited to see them too. We were close-knit when we’d all worked together, so it was going to be a fun night.

Only not.

One of the co-workers to come was one of the co-workers who’d had gastric bypass (she brought her sister, who come to find out, also had gastric bypass, so we all had something to chat about), and was my biggest supporter when she’d found out I was looking into it. She’s also not as successful as I am (given she had a whole lot more to lose than I did).

I want it on record that I absolutely love this co-worker. She was the only person who came to visit me in the hospital after my surgery (other than The Man of course). I would honestly give my left kidney to this woman. She’s so super sweet, and was my biggest cheerleader. And when I say “not as successful” I mean, she doesn’t get the exercise she should, doesn’t eat right, has major issues with iron, and protein; basically does NOT follow the diet post WLS. It’s not about the amount of weight lost, it’s about your health after, and she’s got health issues still that could be fixed should she choose to do what the doctor prescribed.

That being said, I spent most of the night feeling bad… about her… her sister… and myself.

Both she and her sister had tipped the scales at around 400 pounds. I’d never gotten that large, even at my worst, I think I only came close to 300. Both of them however only lost about 150 pounds; which is a huge success, don’t get me wrong, but the both of them admit they haven’t done as well because they aren’t trying as hard.

I’ve been running my ass off these last six months. Running about 15-24 miles a week!!! I don’t even think I drove that much pre-surgery, much less walked or run that much!!! I’m feeling my body get leaner, feeling my energy spike to levels just short of nuclear, feeling better about myself.

Then in a split-second, seeing them, seeing me, made me feel horrible.

I know the struggle to lose weight. I hated looking at skinny people who bitched that they felt fat. I hated when a guy would tell me, “oh I was a fat kid, but I started eating salads and joined track in high school,” and is now a scrawny, emaciated adult.

I could identify with my plump sisters. It was us against the world of fat prejudice. Only now, I’m not part of the club.

I feel bad about my success so far.

I’m terrified of re-gain, and I’m doing all I can to thwart it. I’m trying not to eat garbage, though the holidays were a massive FAIL on eating well. I’m getting my exercise, I’m weighing and measuring everything I put in my mouth (even if it’s a high calorie no-no food).

I’m making myself personally responsible for my failures and successes.

Then, a wonderful thing popped up on my Twitter feed.

This made me feel so much better about myself. I was able to lessen my guilt trip a little. I can’t look at my friend and feel bad about myself because she chooses to eat junk all the time. I don’t know if she walked away from the party pissed at me because I’m so thin now. I don’t know if she resents me for being more successful than she is. It’s a guilt trip I lay on myself, but knowing that I’m being personally responsible for my own success is all that’s important. Knowing that I’m doing what the doctor told me to do (for the most part, no one is perfect) is all that I need to worry about.

I know this all sounds selfish. As I’ve mentioned in the past, this is about being selfish for the first time in my life. I spent all my time doing for others, and worrying about others, that I didn’t take time to care for myself.

Do you feel similar guilt after your weight loss? Maybe it’s just me?

Size medium. I need a shaper!

 

Holy Crap

I know it’s been almost a month since my last post, but man-oh-man was November a freaky wild ride…

So, the last I left off, I’d had the plague. Or a cold… whatever…

Just as I was healing and getting back into running and getting back to life as we know it… BAM!I really did a number on myself…

We were having a lovely dinner of Trader Joe’s Greek Orzo Chicken and grilled asparagus, when it happened.

I waited a little bit and still felt a little hungry, so I’d decided to eat an orange. The Man also wanted a little desert, and decided to dive into the last of a pan of pumpkin bars I’d made for him (and had yet to try them myself) when he handed me a piece. Since my fingers were covered in orange juice and I didn’t really have anywhere to set the piece of pumpkin bar (measured about 1-1.5 inches by about 2 inches, not huge by any means), I snarfed it down.

Of course I immediately felt the symptoms of dumping. Nausea, discomfort, overall nastiness. It only got worse.

I was still recovering from my previous illness and had a sinus headache; that coupled with the dumping just meant crawl in bed and sleep it off.

Oh, but my body said nay-nay!

At about 12:30am I woke up to the most intense pain I’ve ever been in in my whole life.

WORSE THAN MY GASTRIC BYPASS SURGERY.

I laid in bed for a bit. Drank some water (which just intensified the pain), roiled around crying in pain because both my stomach, back, and head were screaming bloody murder. I was determined to sleep it off, but couldn’t sleep at all.

We ended up at the emergency room at 1am. Me hunched over and crying, He freaking out and pissed off at me for overdoing it.

I was convinced I’d ripped my pouch open from the inside and was emptying stomach contents into my abdomen. Or it was my gallbladder.

After waiting in the ER for 2 hours, then being told it would be another 2 hours to see a doctor, I wept and insisted we leave. I was insistent to just sleep it off, no matter how much I felt I was dying.

We were back in the ER about 6 hours later.

Thankfully the wait wasn’t as long this time and they shuttled me around the ER doing various tests, injecting me with morphine; all to confirm, I wasn’t dying, I’d just overdone it with eating.

See, the biggest hurdle I think I’ve yet to overcome, is taking my time. I really try to chew my food slowly and thoroughly before swallowing, but at times I just can’t seem to do it. Or before I even realize it, I’ve already swallowed. That coupled with the fact that most of the food I still eat is really soft (such as yogurt, cheese sticks, oatmeal, Jell-O, etc.). I’m almost at the two year mark and I’ve only now realized that I don’t eat a lot of really solid foods!

After all that drama, I had to spend another week recovering. Mostly on a liquid diet, taking liquid Tylenol with Codeine, and not straining anything in my abdomen (this includes not running).

I’ve been trying really hard to chew, chew, chew my food, but I still catch myself hurrying along!

Fracking frustrating!!

I’m now okay and fully on solid foods (or as solid as I normally get), but if I get a pain or get tempted to eat something crappy, I’m reminded of that hell. I also told The Man not to let me do that to myself again, and if he should see me going off the cliff, to reel me in.

Welp, he failed in that department.

Thanksgiving. November drama number 3.

We were going to his sister’s house for Turkey Day. I was looking forward to it since I don’t really have any family of my own (and any that I do have lives 2,000+ miles away). I was making the mashed potatoes, and two desserts. We brought some wine as well. His brother lives up in San Francisco, which is near wine country USA, so we knew he’d bring down some really excellent wines to share. Not to mention, the turkey is brined in red wine, so there would be leftover wine.

Basically, the wine was flowing.

We started drinking about 1pm and I proceeded to get so tanked, I blacked out.

I. Do. Not. Drink.

Period.

Sure, in my 20′s I drank like any normal young person would. Once I’d found out I was a diabetic with blood pressure issues, I really quickly lost any taste for alcohol. It just didn’t mix well with my body anymore. Knowing the hazards of gastric bypass and alcohol, I’ve abstained even further. I’ve had a couple glasses in the past year and a half, but never more than a couple in any given night. I think I’ve finished two whole bottles in all that time?

I probably drank about two bottles worth in one night.

I woke up with the worst hangover, it lasted two days, I was dying.

To make matters worse, his dad was in town from New Mexico and was staying with us for a few days. So I had to play hostess as best I could. The Man decided to “help out” by going to the local bakery for some empanadas for breakfast, rather than make me cook. This was a good idea at first, but then he brought home the entire damn bakery!

So, here we go again. Hungover, dumping, miserable.

So much for a good Thanksgiving weekend!

I don’t blame Him entirely, me, myself, and I chose to eat that stuff that would make me sick as a dog. It just didn’t help that he put it in front of my face.

My enabler.

So after a week, I’m back to basics. I’ve run every day and I’ve increased my miles to 4 miles a day. I even ran in the rain because I needed to get off my ass and move.

My weight has remained within the same 4-6 pounds (about 134 to 140), so thankfully I haven’t gained massive amounts of weight after all this drama.

But man, when it rains, it really fucking pours!

Here’s to a better December, resisting temptations, and getting better.

In A Funk

Dudes. Today has not shaped up to be a good one.

                            I haz a funk

I’m in school, and I’m taking a combined Anatomy & Physiology class. My teacher is really hard, but I love her for that; she really challenges us to learn and do well.

Today we had our muscle exam. We memorize 60+ muscles, then have one minute to identify and name 50 of the muscles (2-3 muscles at a time; so that’s about 20 seconds to identify and write out things like “coracobrachialis” or “extensor carpi radialis brevis” – I couldn’t write them out fast enough) on labeled models. It was way worse a month ago when we had to memorize 236 bones and do the same in less time!

Did I mention the test started at 6am???

I was so stressed out about it; I had a wicked case of insomnia last night.

And I have PMS…

And I found out my cousin’s cancer came back after 11 years…

And I’m constipated…

My left knee (IT Band) hurts because I can’t seem to plant my left foot properly this week…

I could really go on here…

I don’t think I did really well on the test, and I have the whole weekend to stress about it. I’m really tired, worried about my cousin…

So, as punishment for doing so terribly, I decided to run as hard and fast as I could. I figured it would get the stress out and I’d just be too damn tired to care. It kinda worked, just long enough for me to stop panting. Then came right back…

I did break my personal record and ran my 3.6 miles in 36 minutes (my previous best was only about 37:07). You’d think that would get me out of the mood I’m in. Alas, no.

I weighed in at 138 this morning, so I’m holding steady at an ideal weight. Still nothing.

Funk, funk, funkity-funk!!!

I had to run to the grocery store to pick up a few odd items; and of course you’re bombarded walking through the door with the dreaded dessert table. You know, those impulse buy bakery items? Since it’s nearing Halloween, they had cookies, and the most darling little pre-sliced cake slices with a little orange Halloween cat for decoration. I walked straight past it to get my bananas and then doubled back…

I seriously looked at it long and hard.

For $5.00 I could get that darling little cake and make myself sick, and even more miserable for the rest of the day. NO!

They also had these darling little ghost cookies, witch’s hat cookies, pumpkin shaped cookies… They were individually wrapped, $2.50, and hard as a rock… I was so tempted… NO!

I kept up the self-dialogue reminding myself that it was not going to solve my funk. I wandered around the store looking for the things I needed. Stopping here and there to pick up the things I didn’t need (and promptly put them back where they belong).

I wandered around that store for what seemed like an eternity just looking for something bad to buy.

But I didn’t buy anything that wasn’t on my list. I knew that I would regret it later and it just wasn’t worth it. I’m still in a funk, but I’m home, in my pajamas, drinking water, watching a little television, and plan on taking a nap shortly.

Then I saw this…

This just reminds me that I can get through today and any other funky day without totally sabotaging myself. I don’t need to eat a bunch of crap to make myself feel better. Food is fuel, not my friend. It won’t comfort me, it won’t cure my depression, it won’t do anything for my emotions.

Doing other things like running, napping, watching TV, yelling at the cat, now that’s more productive than munching out on crap.

This is still a learning process that I will be dealing with my whole life. I know this. I won’t be perfect all the time and all I can do is give it my honest to goodness best try.

What do you do to get out of your funk?

Good to Know…

The old dumper still works…

So the other night I decided to enjoy a small glass of wine (4 oz is all I can really handle) and watch me some American Horror Story. This show is totally scary and gets me in the mood for Halloween…

Alas, the wine brought on the poor decision to have another small glass… and then another… Next thing I know, the show is over, I’m laying in bed… and I have a candy bar in my hand!

I swear I don’t know where it came from!!!

(Okay, yes I do, it’s an “out of sight, out of mind” stash I keep in a brown paper bag in the bottom/back of the fridge for my monthly visitor. It’s really difficult to get to because we have a kitchen that’s so small you can’t open the fridge door all the way. So it’s honestly in a very safe place.)

I’ve mentioned in the past how I’ve been able to eat candy and not dump off of it, or have only dumped mildly. But I haven’t had anything happen so severely in almost a year.

I passed out shortly after consuming said candy bar to wake up about 30 minutes later feeling like I’d been socked in the stomach. With a football cleat.

I was sweating, nauseated, I had a pain right around the middle of my sternum. Since my surgery, I can’t throw up, so all I could do was yawn and pant.

Holy hell, it hurt so freaking bad!!

I walked away from it as a reminder that I can’t be stupid.

I was trying to get rid of some wine we’ve had for about 2 years (or possibly longer). I was very controlling of it, only allowing myself a measured 4 oz each go. It takes me about a week to two weeks to polish off one bottle (I’m not a wine snob and I don’t care if it’s been open for a long time). I’ve only finished about 2-3 bottles in the last year and a half!!

Knowing I get trashed off that small amount, I know better to stop.

Only this time I didn’t.

Not only was the sugar in the wine, but the sugar and fat in the candy bar, a slap in the face that I have to be careful.

I haven’t had any wine or candy since.

Not that I really had much in the first place.

But this just reinforced it.

OUCH

Do you guys think maybe sometimes the dump can be a blessing? Like a reminder not to be stupid?

And I Feel Like A Complete Jerk…

With Halloween right around the corner, and a super cool Halloween soiree to go to, the man and I had gone shopping for Halloween costumes.

I’d mentioned last year about how this is Hollywood and finding an awesome costume is super-easy. NOT!

Last year, I was a size extra large and yet, I couldn’t even fit into a 2X. These costume people are crazy with their sizing!!!

Now, I’m a size medium, so I figure I’ll be able to get into that 2X easy!

We were scouring the local Halloween store and my friend that had gone with us had pointed to some silly “sexay” costume and told me that I should dress as whatever it was (I can’t even remember now). I replied rolling my eyes and voice dripping with sarcasm, “yeah, okay!”

A fellow customer chimed in, something like, “Oh you could totally be (whatever the costume was)” and my only response, without thinking, “Oh, I’m not skinny enough to wear that!”

She kind of walked off muttering something about how I am skinny enough for the costume and how she herself couldn’t wear something like that…

Total. Foot. In. Mouth.

Now you see what I mean when I say I can’t get the fat girl out of my head???

I still have no idea what to be for Halloween… I don’t want to be something generic, something that anyone else could be. I’ve always liked to be something original, mostly because I could never just buy off the rack.

::Sigh:: This is always so difficult!

Recipes!

So, recently my friend and I went out for sushi, and sticking with tradition, went for frozen yogurt afterward. Pinkberry has seasonal flavors, and I’d decided to give their Chocolate Hazelnut a whirl… all I can say is… OH. MY. GAWD!

It was so tasty!

It totally hit the spot, but (and there’s always a but), it’s not a protein-packed choice. Frozen yogurt isn’t terrible for you, as long as you forgo the bazillion topping choices, or at least choose the fruit toppings. Frozen yogurt isn’t great for you either; it can be packed with hidden sugar. Also, depending on the state you live in, it may not actually be frozen yogurt; based on the amount of active culture actually in the product (California and Pennsylvania are the only two states that have a special law, that I’m aware of).

Anyway, so the following week, my sushi buddy and I went out for lunch and afterward she’d asked if I wanted to get frozen yogurt again. I was trying to behave and not over-indulge, keep myself on track, plus I had an errand to run… So I had to say no… even though that Chocolate Hazelnut was gnawing at my brain…

I went to Cost Plus World Market to pick up some more Torani syrups because I’d had some ideas for recipes I wanted to try out. While I was there, I was reminded they make a hazelnut flavor sugar free syrup… Hmmm… The wheels started churning…

Annabelle’s Imitation Chocolate Hazelnut Pinkberry Protein Shake:

No Pinkberries were harmed in the making of this shake…

• 2 tbs. Sugar Free Torani Classic Hazelnut
• 8 oz. (1 Cup) Silk Vanilla Soy Milk
• 1 scoop Syntrax Nectar Sweets Chocolate Truffle Protein Powder
• 3-4 ice cubes (we have regular basic ice cube trays)
• Optional: Squirt of Fat Free whipped cream

Put all ingredients in the blender in this order: Powder, ice, soy milk & syrup. Blend long enough for the ice to be crushed up. Enjoy!

Of course you can use whatever brand of protein powder, soy milk (or regular milk), etc. These are just my personal favorites and the Silk brand soy milk is the only milk that doesn’t upset my pouch. Weird huh?

The weather recently has been a little cray-cray… A week ago we’d just started to come off our heat wave (that came just in time for autumn)… We had a wonderful rainstorm and the nights were getting cold… I was actually considering pulling out the electric blanket…

Then it hit me, I needed some cool weather noms. Everything we’ve been eating lately has been cold; like salads, sandwiches, or easy to microwave, so we don’t have to use the oven or stove.

My first thought was oatmeal… If you buy the plain, steel-cut oats, they’re much healthier for you than the pre-packaged microwave kind. Sure, they take an extra minute to cook, but it’s totally worth it. You can get creative if they’re plain, and control the sugar level too, those pre-packaged ones can be out of this world with sugar!

Annabelle’s Cranberry Cinnamon & Brown Sugar Oats:

• 1/4 cup Steel Cut Oats (I use the Trader Joe’s quick-cook type)
• 3/4 cup minus 2 tablespoons of water (or whatever is directed on the package)
• 2 tablespoons Brown Sugar & Cinnamon Sugar Free Torani Syrup
• Approximately 1-2 tablespoons (15 grams) of dried cranberries
• Dash of extra cinnamon if desired

The reason for the “minus 2 tablespoons” for the water is because I replaced it with the syrup. So just pour 2 tablespoons of syrup into a measuring cup, then add enough water to bring it to 3/4 cup.

Bring the water and 2 tablespoons of syrup to a boil in a small sauce pan, stir in oats, reduce heat, cover for about 5-7 minutes, stirring frequently. Remove lid, stir in cranberries and then continue to stir another 2-3 minutes or until it’s the consistency you like (I like it thick).

(These quick-cooking oats can be done in the microwave, but unfortunately on my first go, they totally blew up in the microwave on me. So I just switched to the stove version so I wouldn’t have to hover over it stirring every 30 seconds. Doing them in the microwave only shaves off about 3 minutes total cooking time, so it’s not really that worth it to me.)

You can also use raisins instead of cranberries, or any other dried fruit, like dried apples, apricots, etc. You can also get creative and add some protein powder to the mix, but the oats already pack about 5-6 grams, so they at least help add to your day.

The test kitchen is still open and I hope to have another recipe or two for you soon!

Self-Image Issues…

I’m not sure if anyone else out there has this problem, but being skinny has me feeling self-conscious.

I’ve written about this in the past, but the issue continues… Anyone else?

Looking in the mirror, I do see someone different. She’s skinny, she looks “normal” and at times, almost skeletal… But if I’m sitting in a chair watching TV, reading, studying, whatever, I look down and all I see is the same person from a year-and-a-half ago.

I feel different. I feel stronger, younger, more vibrant, more visible…

Yet, no one talks to me…

I guess I thought that skinny people had more attention?

I’m also not good at handling the comments from friends and family. A lot of their comments are suggestive that it’s all about my looks and not about the actual health benefits I’ve reaped. Or there’s that undertone of spite (as if I don’t know their struggle with weight!)

I even got this message on Facebook from an old high school classmate (I’m not even friends with this person and never was, we just have a mutual friend)

“I came across your profile picture today when I was “liking” [name omitted]‘s status. I just wanted to tell you how fantastic you look. That pic just struck me as very pretty. I’m sure you know that already but I figured it probably wouldn’t hurt to hear it again.

Hopefully it’s not too weird for you to receive a note from someone you haven’t seen in over 16 years (holy crap) and really have no reason to remember.”

It’s just so foreign to me…

Is she telling me that she thought I was ugly before?

Was I really that hideous in high school??

Is it just a good picture?

Is she hitting on me? (Our mutual friend is gay… Just roll your eyes at me and move on)

Is her opinion, everyone’s opinion?

Is that why no one wants to talk to me?

????BecauseI’mSoDropDeadGorgeousThatWomenHateMeAndMenAreTooStunnedAtTheSightOfMeToTalkToMe?????

Yes folks, this is my brain at work… Overwork is a better term…

Sigh…

Autumn

I love, love, love autumn!

Here in Los Angeles, it’s been kind of a sucky beginning to fall… We started our first day of autumn at about 100 degrees; it has now dropped to 56 degrees, and in the next few days it’ll be back up to the low 90′s again. Ugh!

A few weeks back, I did my first 5K for the American Heart Association. I didn’t get to run because there were so many people there. All I could do was walk with the rest of the herd. I only gathered about $75 in donations (which was a lot actually and I’m very appreciative of it!!). I didn’t however, walk away with a t-shirt, a medal, or anything else showing my efforts.

I also signed up around the same time for a special 5K set up by another blogger. This one benefits the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. Here’s a link to her blog and a description of the 5K. (She’s also hosting a winter 5K – Frosty’s Great Cupcake Race… I’m thinking… another? YES PLEASE!)

So today, I participated in the 2012 Great Pumpkin Race! Thankfully, it’s a virtual 5K, so there’s no driving, crowds, porta-potty’s, etc. You just put on your running shoes and… well… run!

I received my medal and Bondi Band in the mail a while back, but kept them tucked away until today. After my run, I had the man take this photo of me officially wearing my medal…

Ignore my skinny little chicken legs por favor!

And here’s a photo of the adorable medal…

That’s the latest copy of Runner’s World behind it. I thought it was a great little quote to add to the photo…

I love the idea of a virtual 5K or 10K because you can do it on your own time, you don’t have to worry about getting lost on the way to the race, having someone to drive you, getting annoyed with people who have no tact when it comes to running etiquette, bad weather (because you can wait till it’s warmer/cooler/drier/etc.).

You can also go at your own pace and not feel like you’re being compared to anyone else or being judged. Or worst of all… being sweat on by someone… EWWW!

I did however get chased by a vicious chihuahua, almost slipped in god knows how many dog turds and mud… We recently had a major rain storm, well, major for LA, so a lot of crap got washed out onto the sidewalks… Including vicious chihuahuas…

This was a fun 5K and now I’m going to go wash it down with my own version of a Pumpkin Spiced Latte! Not only do you save $3.00-$5.00, but you also save about a bazillion calories (fat and sugar too)!

Annabelle’s Pumpkin Spiced Latte (Seriously, it’s EASY)

• 12 oz. coffee (your choice of course! I do mine in a French Press and no, it’s not decaf)
• 3 tablespoons vanilla creamer (your choice again, mine is Trader Joe’s brand)
• 2 tablespoons Torani Pumpkin Pie Sugar Free Syrup (got mine here)
• Dash of Pumpkin Pie Spice

Brew your coffee, add everything else and enjoy!

(My Version: Calories 94, Carbs 12g, Fat 4.6g. Starbucks Version: Calories: 300, Carbs 39g, Fat 11g)

Yes, I know it’s not the full fatty-fat-fat version you can find at Starbucks, but it’s very close to the real thing, and it’s something I can feel good having every day, not just special occasions.

I’ve got some other pumpkiny goodness swirling around in my head. I’ll be sharing after some test-kitchening here in the next day or two. I’m really trying to blog more often lately and I’m sure you see I’ve updated the look too… Hope you like

Did Someone Step On A Duck?

I should have posted about this sooner… I’ve been really busy with school work (this class is seriously a BEAR)…

So, to update my stats…

Day of surgery: 4/27/2011 Weight Day of Surgery: 266 Highest Recorded Weight: 283 Current Weight To Date: 137 Lowest Recorded Weight: 132 (ouch!)

Clothing sizes started at 22/24 or 2-3X and I’m currently sporting 6-8 pants and Medium tops.

And here’s a long overdue updated photo (I’m having issues editing so just click my “About” section to see my before picture).

I’m not one to stand in front of the camera and I’m having self-image issues as the weight is coming off, so this is the best I could do guys… This is my profile image on Facebook and as soon as I posted it, my own brother, who made fun of me for being fat all my life, told me to eat a sandwich… because I was too skinny… WHAT THE FUCK?!

About two weeks ago, I hit my all time low. We were having a horrible heat wave in Los Angeles, but I was still getting my daily run on. I think I’d managed to dehydrate myself a bit. I stepped on the scale and it read 132 pounds!

YIKES!!

I’m 5’8″ and fairly “thick” boned. I take after my dad’s side of the family. My mom’s side are all tiny people, so I’m a freaking giant compared to the women in my family. So, for me, my safe weight is around 135 to 155 pounds. I’m personally comfortable around 138-140 and have been aiming to keep myself at that weight. Since I log my food religiously, and get exercise regularly, this has been very successful for me.

Once I saw that 132 on the scale, I kinda spun into a panic. I didn’t want to be that skinny!

So I took this as permission to eat a little crappily… Plus it was PMS-ville for me… Excuses, excuses…

At first, I’d just bought a big bag of pretzels, hoping the salt and carbs would help pack a few pounds back on…

Didn’t really work.

So I bought a few candy bars…

Didn’t really work.

(Gradually as I re-hydrated and stopped being silly thinking this miniscule amount of extra calories would add back pounds, the pounds came back on their own)

This past weekend, I went with to work with The Man; to hang out, do homework, watch movies (he works in film so I get to see some TV shows before they’re broadcast, neener-neener!!)

We raided the vending machine and I bought Zingers and those mini powdered doughnuts…

I ate them right up and didn’t dump… Or so I thought… I did feel like crap though, the cake made me feel like a bloated monster…

Apparently my newest version of dumping is a horrid gas-attack that won’t quit…

I farted non-stop for about 2-3 hours… As someone who’s had gastric bypass, I’ve learned to live with digestive issues and my poor man has to endure this pretty regularly at home, but then I took it to his work. Thankfully we were the only ones there, so I could get away with this, but WOW…

Indescribable

That last post was a little raw for me. I had to step back and re-assess my situation.

I feel guilty for being harsh on others.

Big shock eh?

I ate my guilt all my life because I never had an outlet for it. This blog is my outlet, exercise is my outlet, I’m changing…

I’ve absolutely fallen in lust with jogging. Since I’ve finally hit my final goal weight, I’ve been working on building up my endurance and muscles. As you know from previous posts, I have been building up to jogging. First with walking, and now running. It’s become this indescribable feeling every day when I get my clothes on and get my heart pumping.

It’s my time.

I’ve always been a bit of a loner; mostly because of my painful shyness due to my weight, I’d learned to do things on my own. Go to dinner, the movies, shopping, etc. all on my own. I’d also learned early on not to rely on other people.

I’m trying to change that, but this is absolutely the one thing I can call my time.

It’s my time to be in my own head, to sort out my issues, to work off anger, guilt, frustration. It’s also my way of getting out of the house without spending a dime.

I’ve also noticed it seems to make my pouch shrink. My “prize” for running is my Trader Joe’s Greek Yogurt and two light cheese sticks. As soon as I’m done, I stretch out and have my breakfast, my pouch feels tighter. The protein fills me up for a few hours at least and I can make it through the rest of my day happy and feeling accomplished.

It’s so gratifying to know that I did something healthy for myself. I think it’s that “high” I get from running that’s adding to my judgement of others. Feeling so great after 33 years of feeling like crap, and then finally “getting it” when people would tell me how great it was to exercise. I look at others and want them to feel as good as I do.

So from now on, it’s not judgmental to wish people would feel as great as I do. It’s not critical, it’s not a reason to feel guilty to wish happiness and health on others.

I have to repeat this to myself when I start to feel that guilt creeping up on me…