The holidays are finally somewhat over. It’s been a rocky road lately, with finishing another semester at school, job hunting, etc.
Stats: RnY Gastric Bypass Surgery Date: 4/27/2011, Highest Weight: 283, Day of Surgery Weight: 266, Current Weight: 133.
An old co-worker had a Christmas party, and invited me and The Man. I hadn’t seen her in a few months, plus it was a chance to get all dressed up pretty, and go out for the evening. She’d invited a few other old co-workers, and I was excited to see them too. We were close-knit when we’d all worked together, so it was going to be a fun night.
One of the co-workers to come was one of the co-workers who’d had gastric bypass (she brought her sister, who come to find out, also had gastric bypass, so we all had something to chat about), and was my biggest supporter when she’d found out I was looking into it. She’s also not as successful as I am (given she had a whole lot more to lose than I did).
I want it on record that I absolutely love this co-worker. She was the only person who came to visit me in the hospital after my surgery (other than The Man of course). I would honestly give my left kidney to this woman. She’s so super sweet, and was my biggest cheerleader. And when I say “not as successful” I mean, she doesn’t get the exercise she should, doesn’t eat right, has major issues with iron, and protein; basically does NOT follow the diet post WLS. It’s not about the amount of weight lost, it’s about your health after, and she’s got health issues still that could be fixed should she choose to do what the doctor prescribed.
That being said, I spent most of the night feeling bad… about her… her sister… and myself.
Both she and her sister had tipped the scales at around 400 pounds. I’d never gotten that large, even at my worst, I think I only came close to 300. Both of them however only lost about 150 pounds; which is a huge success, don’t get me wrong, but the both of them admit they haven’t done as well because they aren’t trying as hard.
I’ve been running my ass off these last six months. Running about 15-24 miles a week!!! I don’t even think I drove that much pre-surgery, much less walked or run that much!!! I’m feeling my body get leaner, feeling my energy spike to levels just short of nuclear, feeling better about myself.
Then in a split-second, seeing them, seeing me, made me feel horrible.
I know the struggle to lose weight. I hated looking at skinny people who bitched that they felt fat. I hated when a guy would tell me, “oh I was a fat kid, but I started eating salads and joined track in high school,” and is now a scrawny, emaciated adult.
I could identify with my plump sisters. It was us against the world of fat prejudice. Only now, I’m not part of the club.
I feel bad about my success so far.
I’m terrified of re-gain, and I’m doing all I can to thwart it. I’m trying not to eat garbage, though the holidays were a massive FAIL on eating well. I’m getting my exercise, I’m weighing and measuring everything I put in my mouth (even if it’s a high calorie no-no food).
I’m making myself personally responsible for my failures and successes.
Then, a wonderful thing popped up on my Twitter feed.
This made me feel so much better about myself. I was able to lessen my guilt trip a little. I can’t look at my friend and feel bad about myself because she chooses to eat junk all the time. I don’t know if she walked away from the party pissed at me because I’m so thin now. I don’t know if she resents me for being more successful than she is. It’s a guilt trip I lay on myself, but knowing that I’m being personally responsible for my own success is all that’s important. Knowing that I’m doing what the doctor told me to do (for the most part, no one is perfect) is all that I need to worry about.
I know this all sounds selfish. As I’ve mentioned in the past, this is about being selfish for the first time in my life. I spent all my time doing for others, and worrying about others, that I didn’t take time to care for myself.
Do you feel similar guilt after your weight loss? Maybe it’s just me?